Note: This essay was originally finished on May 23, 2014 (hence the post date), with a few minor corrections to spelling, etc. since, but for Reasons remained unpublished here until December 17, 2014.
I have also added some updates to my original text at the end of the post. Some updates were originally written with the intent of integrating them into the main text, so they may read a bit awkwardly by being separated out at the end. I’ve tried to clarify some of the text with brackets.
In the beginning
I have been struggling for some time with my beliefs in the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have read much and studied much, and pondered back to previous experiences where I felt that the Holy Ghost was speaking to me. Ultimately, I have come to the conclusion that the Church is not the one true church of God. I can’t pinpoint exactly what started my journey down the rabbit hole, I just know where I’ve arrived.
There are many issues that have come to my attention. Some matter to me a great deal while others, though certainly damning to the Church, are of no great import to me particularly. Every organization has skeletons in the closet, and I cannot rationally believe that the LDS church could be otherwise: as the saying goes, “The Church is perfect, but the members are not.” I have always believed that; I was a missionary once and it goes hand in hand with the other saying: “If the Church weren’t true, the missionaries would have destroyed it by now.” Individually, there are many things I could overlook—and have overlooked or otherwise explained away to myself. For example, I find that the lack of archaeological evidence for the Book of Mormon, or anachronisms or strange words like “curelom” really don’t bother me at all. Taken as an individual problem, I can accept a simplistic answer such as that our faith needs to be tried. Compounded with everything else, I find myself unable to bear the collective burden.
Some of the things I have learned in my studying were, at first, no great surprise to me. I’ve read accounts of lifelong members saying they had never heard that Joseph Smith was a polygamist, for example. As a seminary student during my high school years, I was taught at least at the surface level some of the seemingly more troublesome aspects of the history of the church, but it was done in such a faith-promoting way that I never questioned that the story could be otherwise, or that important details had been omitted. I was stunned that these things didn’t seem to be common knowledge. Then again, I did grow up in Utah, and seminary was a daily class during school time; I probably had more exposure to things than members in other parts of the world where the Church is not such a prevalent part of everyday life.
I would like now to write about the biggest issues for me (though as mentioned previously, there are many others to be found). As the Church would have its members receive information only from itself, I have tried to keep my sources for quotes only to official Church publications or web sites as far as possible, though there may be some “unofficial” links to be found (e.g. at FairMormon—which I understand to be an unofficially supported pro-LDS apologist organization). This is not a “to whom it may concern” essay; rather it is an attempt to gather my thoughts for myself, to help me find clarity, and if it serves another purpose in answering the questions of others, so much the better. Continue reading