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Green does.

Take the following as examples of my theory:

Shrek: Shrek himself
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Raphael, with Michaelangelo running a close second
Star Wars: Yoda
The Lord of the Rings: The Dead Army, Pippin after too much pipeweed, and the DVD case for The Fellowship of the Ring
Spider-Man: The Green Goblin
Ghostbusters: Slimer
The Muppet movies: Kermit the Frog
Hulk: The Hulk
How the Grinch Stole Christmas: The Grinch
VeggieTales: Larry
Monsters, Inc.: Mike Wazowski
Peter Pan: Peter Pan
Batman Forever: The Riddler
Elf: Will Ferrell

You’ll also notice that in the Matrix films that the picture has a green tint whenever the action is in the Matrix itself, which is where all the really good parts happen.

You’ll also notice that with the exception of Star Wars, every single film listed above could have been even better with the addition of lightsaber fights. Star Wars would better with more Yoda, as I will mention below.

I don’t know what, exactly, my expectations were when I went to see Shrek 2, but I do know that it exceeded them handily. The movie is better in every single way than the original, which is a hard thing for a sequel to do. I think the key to Shrek 2‘s success was its spot-on use of green. The filmmakers were even smart enough to know when too much green was happening. –SPOILER– I suspect this is the real reason for Shrek wanting to be human. The whole “I just want to make Fiona happy” was just a an excuse for people who aren’t in touch with their inner Green-ness. — END SPOILER —

One of the major reasons I think that the Star Wars prequels aren’t so well-liked is the disturbing underuse of Yoda. Lightsaber battles compensated somewhat, but not enough, as the box office numbers clearly show.

Apart from the Greenuity, Shrek 2 was great for the following reasons:

• Funnier than the first
• Fewer dirty jokes than the first
• A Lord of the Rings reference
• Antonio Banderas
• Better animation

I could go on and on and on, but this is getting monotonous. The only thing Shrek 2 lacked, really, were lightsabers. I’m hoping that with Shrek 3 and Shrek 4 on the horizon this small oversight will be corrected, and another timeless film saga will join the ranks of the likes of The Lord of the Rings, which could use a lightsaber or two of its own.

I just sat in front of the computer for over an hour waiting for Firefox 0.9 to be released. And now it’s out, and I’m writing this entry using it. How exciting.

I picked up 50 First Dates from Wal-mart just before the Firefox fiasco. I also watched Chain Reaction earlier tonight. I remember the first time I saw that, back in 1996 with Ben at the Movies 8. I still have my ticket stub. I am a loser. I love it.

I think it’s my bed time.

I love The Truman Show. Let me rephrase that. I LOVE The Truman Show. I have now decided that it is one of my all-time favorite movies, and that the obsessive-compulsive demons that live in my head must now create a list of my all-time favorite movies.

So, um, let’s see… The Lord of the Rings, the Star Wars trilogies (yes, trilogies plural; I like the prequels), The Matrix movies, Pirates of the Caribbean, Spider-Man, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure…

must… stop… ocd…

Back to Truman: it desperately needs a new DVD release with an anamorphic video transfer–and a lightsaber scene. Do you hear me, Paramount? Do you?

The actual movie is good in and of itself, and would be fine with just the premise and some average Joe Actor, but Jim Carrey brings a life to it that I don’t think any other actor could. He’s just so good and likeable and bloody amazing. I watched The Cable Guy a few nights ago, and the talent and range this guy possesses is astounding.

Also of note is the astounding number of “s”s the word “possesses” possesses. Maybe it’s possessed. But I digress. Oh, what a mess. I kill me.

Seriously, It makes me want to go watch the other Carrey movies in my collection: The Majestic, Dumb and Dumber, and The Grinch. It makes me want to go to Wal-mart right this minute and buy Batman Forever, which as a bonus contains appearances by Tommy Lee Jones and Drew Barrymore.

But it’s 3 in the morning, and I’m sure my wife would notice if I started yelling “I’m Batman!” in the middle of the night.

Yes, I just watched Star Wars.

My new theory is that movies would be better with more lightsaber battles. Even chick flicks. Heck, especially chick flicks. Details at 11, or whenever I get back to this.

You know, maybe I should call this the AT&T blog, seeing as I talk to them regularly and am on a nickname basis with 82% of their representatives. For example, on my most recent call I learned that Raoul has a huge crush on Jenny in cubicle 5, but is afraid to ask her out for fear of being rejected by Jenny’s 6 foot 5 280 pound boyfriend.

But before I learned that, I went through a dishearteningly familiar process involving non-intelligent IVRs and even more non-intelligent CSRs. My call went something like this (note: I am not making over 96% of this up):

Mysterious IVR Voice (MIV): “Thank you for calling AT&T. If you need help in Spanish, please learn English and call back so we can speak to you in Hindi.”

[Pause, I imagine to allow frantic searching of the Spanish-English-Hindi dictionary.]

MIV: “Please enter or say your ten-digit wireless number now.”

Me (Me): [Presses keys. Like I’m dumb enough to think the MIV can understand me if I talk? Riiiight.]

MIV: “Okay, now I can help you if you say things like ‘I want to pay my bill,’ or ‘Technical Assistance.'”

Me [Sighing heavily, realizing I must speak at this point]: “I want to–“

MIV: “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

Me: “I didn’t finish what I—“

MIV: “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

Me: “Why you–“

MIV: “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Please wait while I transfer you to a customer service representative. But first, please enter or say the last four digits of your social security number, your five-digit zip code, and the 376,435th digit of pi.”

Me: [Inputs random numbers]

MIV: “Thank you. Your call is very important to us. All of our representatives are currently assisting other customers”–teaching them seppuku, I’m certain–“and your current expected wait time is over 30 minutes.”

Me: “Of course it is.”

So I wait for a while, listening to music that should get cancer and die, and every 30 seconds I hear, “Your call is important blah blah blah.” Finally, CSR number 1 picks up.

CSR 1: “Thanks for choosing AT&T, my name is [mumbles so I won’t be able to indentify him later]. We really appreciate your business. How can I help you today?”

I explain that my minute usage is still being displayed incorrectly on their web site, despite 17 previous calls to customer service and 17 previous promises to correct the problem. He asks for my name, my phone number, my address, my social security number, and other information that I have already given to the IVR. After several minutes of going “Hm…” and breathing heavily, he informed me that he would have to transfer me to another representative because he was too incompetent to do his job. The wait time, I was assured, would be hideously long.

After another long listen to some happy muzak, CSR number 2 answers. I say I have a question about my usage. She said, and I quote, “I’m sorry, our systems are currently updating and we cannot access anyone’s account at the moment. You can call back later or I can transfer you. Maybe by the time someone else picks up the systems will be updated.”

After another eternity in hell, CSR number 3 picks up. After asking for my phone number (which, if you’re keeping track at home, I had given twice already), she said, “Oh, you have a GSM account. I need to transfer you to the GSM department.”

And finally, six hours later, CSR number 4, “Raoul,” answers. After giving my information for the 32nd time and explaining the situation, Raoul “investigates” the situation while telling me all about Jenny and her womanly wiles. I pressed the issue of my minutes usage, and eventually Raoul told me that the web site was new and so it might not be “categorizing” the minutes “correctly.” I would probably be billed incorrectly, too, and have to call back in to get a credit. Incidentally, would I like a free seppuku kit?

I thanked him for my time, and told him to go after Jenny. After all, I noted, you never know when or where true love will strike. My hope is square on the nose, and maybe a kick or two in the crotch.