grassmonk.net

Earlier tonight we had a family gathering at my aunt’s house. Most of my mom’s brothers and sisters were there, and a few cousins besides the ones who lived in the house. Much to our delight, and much to the chagrin of my cousin, we were privy to the following exchange:

Cousin [to 8-year-old son who was fighting with his brother]: “What did I tell you would happen if you two fight?”
Boy: “You’d pimp slamp us?”
Cousin: “No! I never said that.”

Well, take away the GTA, then. This conversation is also eight bazillion times funnier if you know my mom’s family.

I was eating a chicken sandwich from Wendy’s yesterday and dropped barbecue sauce on my pants. I was instant messaging my friend Ben at the time and mused, “why can’t I eat anything with barbecue sauce without it getting on my pants?” It sounded like the title of a great country song, and Ben pointed out that if that were the case, they couldn’t just be any old pants; they’d have to be Wranglers.

Of course I agreed, and suddenly lyrical inspiration flowed into me as if from another dimension (probably the one where country music is actually good).

Without further ado, my country tune that’s gonna make me the big bucks:

drivin’ down the interstate
my truck’s all I got left
my girlfriend just packed up her things
and took my favorite pet
(poor poor Fido)

I reach down for some chicken wings
and eat them while I cry
something sticky’s on my pants
is it blood from that cock fight?
(poor poor rooster)

I look down and sadly see
a big spot on my favorite jeans
how could my wings do this to me?
I don’t know what this means
(poor poor me)

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
why I can’t I eat anything with barbecue sauce without it getting on my Wranglers?
not onion rings or fireballed ham or fresh-cooked mashed potaters
grits and alligator meat and Mrs. Radcliff’s cat
they just don’t hold the sauce on like they used to, that’s a fact

I don’t know who Mrs. Radcliff is, but I suspect she’s pretty upset–not that her cat was dipped in barbecue sauce, but that she’s not the one who got to eat it, and also probably that some of the barbecue sauce got wasted on my Wranglers.

Relatedly, country music-wise at least, Sunday was my brother-in-law’s birthday, so we made the drive to his house for the party. Blarin’ away on the CD player was something called “Patriotic Country.” His sister-in-law arrived some time later and saw the CD case, and upon examination, exclaimed, “What a great CD!”

Unable to withhold my viewpoint–which thing also got our beloved sales guy to try and fire me two days ago (which is a lovely story for another time)–I said something really snarky, which I can’t recall right now, dangit. But the point is, the woman’s eyes got really big and she outraged, “How can you say that?!?!!!!?”

I said, “Just like this: [repeat of snarky comment].”

Now if only I could remember what I said, the story would be funny, just like the word “snarky.”

For the 3.4 readers of the grassmonk.net blog, there is now an extremely limited comment system in place. By “extremely limited,” I mean the following:

• Looks like crap in IE (surprise!)*
• No editing system
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• Ekcetra

Enjoy.

*To be fair to IE, it is good for letting you know when your site is standards compliant, i.e. it looks like crap.**

**Please forgive the terrible pun.

If I ever have a book of my poetry published, I want it to be called “Poetisms.” I realize that this is a foolish thing, because there are probably already millions of other people who have the same idea, and surely sub-millions of those millions have already published a collection with that name. Also, the word “poetisms” is really silly.

But guess what? Googling “poetisms” results in my site being the second result. Interestingly, the first result doesn’t actually contain the word “poetisms,” but rather is linked to by a site that does.

Now I just need to find people who actually google the word.

The kybard is nice. I like it. Everyone is jealous of me, at least in my imagination. I’m pestering the management at work (i.e., my dad), to buy me one for the office. But it gets better!

I bought a Linksys wireless router about a month and a half ago when I was preparing to move in to my new house, as there no cat-5 run through the house [nor is there coax, nor even grounded electric wiring, but that’s a story for another day (or is it?!)]. The day after I ordered the router, a $10 mail-in rebate became available, starting for purchases made, naturally, that day. Bugger that. I hate mail-in rebates (see below), but I would have liked that $10.

So imagine my feeling when just a few minutes ago I found a $10 MIR form for my new kybard, just two days after I bought it. WHY ME? I asked. (Not really. I know why me. It’s Steveism at its finest.)

And now imagine my feeling when I read the form to further my depression and discovered that the rebate has been valid since July 2 and goes through the end of this month! I even saved my receipt and the box (and no, Ben, I don’t always save those. I threw away my Super Nintendo box last week). So–here’s hoping–I’ll get my $10 back. I’m skeptical, and it’s because mail-in rebates are a crapshoot. I’m confident that companies hire teams of people whose sole job is to find ways to avoid actually giving you the rebate. Some are more logical (though still stupid) than others. Allow me to share two bad rebate experiences I have had.

Firstly, three years ago I bought a desktop computer from Best Buy. It had a $150 MIR from Best Buy and two rebates from HP: one for $20 and one for $50. I got my $150 back pretty quickly, which was nice, but I never saw the other $70. I got a letter back from HP regarding the $20 rebate, saying I had not submitted the correct UPC from the box, or something like that, along with a request to send the correct information to receive my rebate in a timely fashion. I promptly mailed the items, and never heard from HP again. They never sent me anything regarding the $50 rebate.

I’m still bitter.

The other rebate is more recent. From January 2005 to June 2006 Warner Bros. had a TV-on-DVD rebate program celebrating 50 years of TV, or something. I bought four seasons of “Smallville,” which qualified for a $30 rebate. I held on to the rebate form until near the end of June, just in case I happened to my some more Warner TV DVDs. I ended up buying first season of “The Closer.” It wasn’t on the list of eligible titles, but the list was printed before “The Closer” was released, so I called the toll-free number on the form to ask if it was eligible.

The ever-so-helpful person who answered the phone said that it wasn’t on the list she had, but it wouldn’t hurt to send in the proof-of-purchase, just in case, so I did.

At the beginning of August I got a letter back from Warner Bros. saying that my rebate submission was ineligible because I had submitted an invalid proof-of-purchase. They even sent me back my rebate form, copies of receipts, proofs-of-purchase, and even the original envelope I had mailed to them, with the words “CLOSER NOT A ELIGIBLE SEASON” written on it in red. Yes, the person could spell “eligible” but not preface it with the correct article.

I had to resubmit correct information by the end of August. Submitting the correct information involved removing the tape that held “The Closer” proof-of-purchase to the rebate form, sticking the form, receipts, etc. in a new envelope, finding another stamp–which in turn involved trying to find a post office (stamps? What for? I pay my bills online. I email people. IT’S 2006!)–and mailing it. What, the person processing the rebate couldn’t remove the offending proof-of-purchase? Warner Bros. paid someone to write on my envelope, attach a form letter, and mail it back to me. And for postage. Here’s hoping I get my $30.

I’m glad that Office Max has nearly done away with mail-in rebates. I read that Best Buy is doing away with them sometime next year, as well. I applaud that. I think mail-in rebates are one of the stupidest things in the universe, right up there with tofu smoothies. If a manufacturer has a rebate, the reseller should cut the price by that much for the customer and then recoup the money from the manufacturer. None of this make the customer do it crap.

I don’t have a good ending though. It’s 1:40 a.m. and my brain just shut off. I really like the new Barenaked Ladies single, “Easy.” “Maybe You’re Right” is also stuck in my head–probably because I am.